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All Hail Zoltar

from Straight to Video by Rad Max

/
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lyrics

Woke up in the future
In the year 3503
I looked around and found some humans
Who looked just as terrified as me

Started digging through the rubble
Looking for some food for our new tribe
Someone found something special
And said, “Hey, come check this out, you guys.”

He found a new god
His name was Zoltar
He grants us wishes for a quarter
His eyes are glowing
He knows the future
His name is Zoltar
He knows the future

We know that he’s magic cause he doesn’t use electricity
When I look into his eyes I truly believe he understands me

His name is Zoltar
And we love him
No other forces are above him
His eyes are glowing
He knows the future
We give him quarters
He knows the future

Zoltar called us near
We all grabbed a beer
And gathered around to listen
Sat in front of him in wonder and fear
Waiting to hear his blessings
A few minutes later
He spat out some paper
From the depths of his mystical chamber
He said, “Hey! Losers, geez.
Go fuck yourself please.”


Zoltar
He fucking hates us
If we were also gods
He wouldn’t date us
We jumped the gun here
He’s not a real god
He’s just a vending machine
From Long Island

I want my money back
I want my money back

credits

from Straight to Video, released April 10, 2020

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Rad Max Portland, Oregon

Rad Max is a rad wave dance rock band from Portland, OR. They were voted most likely to play the training montage song in a straight-to-video b-movie. In between VHS movie nights, this band blasts out ridiculous songs about malls, evil computers, and psycho killers with guitar-shaped drills. ... more

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